Thursday, February 2, 2012

Thundershirt --- Are you shitting me?

 I was watching some late night obscuria on TV with my bride recently when a commercial for a product we never heard of entered our consciousness. It was an ad for a product called the “Thundershirt.”  Apparently, it makes your pet calm and fearless.   

It is a vestment for your dog with scientifically proven tendencies to relieve animal anxiety caused by thunderstorms, fireworks, strangers in weird hats, other animals and countless additional sources of irritating animal behavior.  Examples of bad dog actions were shown in a montage of “before” vignettes in which animals (mostly dogs) ripped up upholstery, barked like they were possessed, urinated on sacred family treasures and generally spazzed out.  As soon as they were strapped into the Thundershirt, which looks like a segmented Velcro life vest, these dogs immediately calmed down like they had smoked a pound of Humboldt.                     

Naked dogs that were previously shown freak-barking and going into grand mal seizures at the sound of Rice Crispies being exposed to milk were displayed, clothed in their new Thundershirts and Rastafarian dog hats, swaying to the sight and sound of 4th of July fireworks that now only barely kept them serenely awake.              
Cats actually being launched from catapults calmly accepted their journey with the quiet cool of the Apollo 13 commander once they were fitted into this stylish space suit    The testimonials flowed as folks who you know probably inflicted their ill-behaved pets on everyone they knew, suddenly copped out to  previously owning hell hounds. Now  they could gush their thanks to the inventors of this product for transforming their unruly beasts in to the loving companions they had always unreasonably insisted their victims recognize existed behind this unfortunate mask of  mouth-foaming terror.  
Now you can take your vicious animal to church, a fancy restaurant, or a letter carriers convention, confident that your dog will behave like a valium chasing Harvard professor.                      

My dog Victor is fine, but I was thinking of ordering a bunch of these things for myself and my family, especially for the long road trips we take.  I think perhaps I will get a bunch of vests to stock up in the office closet---- -you know, for clients. “Hey we just got the call that the jury is back with a verdict on your murder for hire trial in that tragic flamethrower death of your wife.  Why don't you and your girlfriend put on these stylish vests and stroll on over to the courthouse with me?”   
Your doctor could have them on hand for you when you get that diagnosis you’ve been dreading.  “I’ve got some good news and some bad news…..the good news is that you can keep this free vest I just had you put on instead of that pesky and embarrassing hospital garment you've been  wearing for all those tests.”      

I hope you all get a chance to see this add.  It’s just the darndest thing and the applications for human use are really limitless..  It’s what Newt Gingrich wears to marriage counseling and Captain Mario Schettino wears instead of a life vest.   

My only question is why didn’t they invent this vest for the rest sooner.

These are the days.


  1. Great story but I could have done without the picture of your dog showing off his "goods" to speak.... : )

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  3. Love it. Wonder if it can be ordered in bulk? Lol